Is dating a friend's ex wrong?

Affection is a fickle thing. If it was based on rational considerations, so many problems would dissipate and people would conduct less turbulent lives. As it is not, sexual lust and emotional communion drive men and women into situations they soon rue and regret. The discovered adultery, the office romance or senior junior relationship are all classic situations which, if the participants had been putting social standing, career security and their own well beings first, they probably would not have committed to them. However, raw passion, ecstatic emotions and hungry desires are compelling forces. It is in this cauldron of everlasting turmoil with delinquent tendencies attempting to overpower the logical results of what limited cognitive capacities I posses. My mind of late has been preoccupied with fanciful thoughts for a young woman, with admirable qualities. They are not strong like that of a 'crush', but nevertheless some attraction exists. Unfortunately, this person is no ordinary female: she is an ex of a friend of mine. Social convention demands abstinence from such an engagement, but should that be discarded for the possibility of personal pleasure and fulfillment?

The first ruminations I have on this issue is that any potential advance on the woman in question would be harmful. It could damage my relationship with my friend. When someone disentangles themselves from an intimate relationship with another person, the last individual they want to be hanging around is there companion who has decided to try their shot with this person. Relations would be tense, and a rift can create because of a girl you have decided to date. Furthermore, as social standards demand I do not ask out this woman, other people would find my actions distasteful, damaging my reputation. The same may be true for her. And there are no shortage of potential partners. Wagering on this one specimen is just too big a risk to maintain the social web of harmony and high rank among peers, which sadly, determines oppurtunities and the quality of enjoyment one can have in their life.

However, the crucial question is not what the results are of an action, but why would a person resent their friend having intimate relations with their ex? This alone can determine whether I have wronged him deontologically, whether my actions are worthy of condemnation. Problematically, there is no determined answer. Each person has their own position on this delicate issue. I happen to think the main issue is one of loyalty. That person became emotionally (and perhaps physically) attatched to your friend. They shared things with them, opened up their lives to this person. This is private territory. When you go into a relationship with a friends ex, you violate that area of their life which was private from you. Moreover, people, men in particular are programmed to get very defensive over people they have had a bond with. i terms of evolution, the male who prevents other males from partnering his mate will be more likely to pass on his genes. This cements itself in this situation.

This is rationalistic thought. But as Sigmund Freud remarked 'romantic love is not logical. It’s highly illogical and all emotion.' Affection is not founded on moral principles, but instinct and desire. It was the great philosopher Nietzsche (pictured below) who questioned the reasoning behind discarding the fulfilment of our deepest wishes and desires in favour of the etiquette and standards of the community we live in. He argued that to truly become Ubermensch (supermen) we must try to achieve our aims, throwing off the shackles of tradition and religion, which creates a slave morality. Whilst I do not entirely agree with the logic of Nietzsche, defining ourselves and actions in response to our most fundamental desires is appetising. Most conventions have a sound justification, such as paying taxes, providing reparations for those you have hurt and queuing. However, not dating a friend's ex does not nearly have the same moral strength behind it. Sacrificing my potential happiness for the judgement of others is not an ideal a person should aspire too. So a strong counter-argument can be made against the traditional stance.

Luckily, I can abstain from such a dichotomy, as I am moving house next week to Berwick-upon-Tweed, and will be attending Edinburgh University. For those who want a resolution to this ethical dilemma, I shall depart leaving the following suppositions. Suppose you believe that a person should be free to act how they want (within the law). Furthermore, you believe a person does not commit a bad action by engaging sexual encounters outside of monogamous relationships. As such, it is clear that the results and effects of intimate bonding should not hinder one's attempts to engage in them, whether tradition and social values approve of them. Following this through, as you do not perceive relationships as being defined by the creation of a loyal wife and husband, why should the man who wants to date his friends ex be condemned as immoral? If, on the other hand, you believe relationships have moral restrictions, then putting your friendship first appears the right course of action. If, in particular, you believe in putting others first, like the followers of Christ, then you will definitely seek to forfeit your desires for your friend. Unfortunately, I, along with most of the human race, have irrational tendencies, and whilst the rationality of ethics can determine a man's mind, it cannot alter his emotional outcry in the fluctuating wilderness that is love.